Roary turns to Lorelei and says, “I’m pregnant” and tears roll down my face because this is the moment that it becomes real. There is a baby that will be born and they won’t know my mother and I won’t know how she would have responded to my news. The heartbreak is palpable. When I crawl into bed I wake up Allen. He is cursing because he is so tired. I ask him to hold me and there are so many tears that his entire chest is quickly soaked.
The emotion doesn’t leave but lingers.
Allen and I sit down to watch a movie in which a man loses his wife who he didn’t particularly have a great relationship with UNTIL she got diagnosed with a brain tumor THEN their relationship healed because they couldn’t focus on one another’s short comings. However, she dies anyways and he is left all alone. The movie continues and the overarching theme becomes that those who die are always with us. As I sit in my holiday-lit living room, I swished this thought around and around my head. Those who leave us are always with us and I remembered a strange train of thought from the previous week.
My mother-in-law was talking to her daughter and referred to her as “my little eggy-weggy”. Her daughter replied, “Mom, that’s weird, but true.” I watched all three girls: grandma, daughter, and granddaughter walk into the store and I realized that this was not the first time the three had been one. You see, when a girl is born she has most of her eggs already formed. There could have been a time when grandma carried daughter who was already carrying granddaughter. It’s very “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you,” but even more mind-boggling.
So the train of thought goes like this:
There is a special, sacred bond between mothers and their daughters. I never knew how deep the bond ran until mine was severed. However, I find peace in the knowledge that even though she is not physically here that she is here. Megen is there in the room even when I forget to look. I’m not suggesting that she is omnipresent but only that we don’t really have the wherewithal to understand time after we die (since we exist outside of time then). Not only that, but my bones remember. They remember a day where I was with my mother through every step of her day. The pattern is obvious. Roary is carrying a girl because she has to. And if you were to look into my small body while I waited inside Megen you could have seen half of my daughter. The three of us were one and some day we will stand before the trinity: Father, Son, Holy Spirit and will say, “we get that, we know it in our bones.” Emily, Lorelei, Roary; Megen, Julia, Sadie. We know it in our bones.